Been awhile

I only feel worthy enough coming on here as i just did over an hour and a half of work out DVD's. Zumba (my fave) and i tried the Ministry of Sound  "Pump It Up" workout DVD's. They were alright, but it was really just full of sexy girls in g-strings flipping there hair around and pelvic thrusts (which you can't do when you're 24 weeks pregnant lmao). So i just did what i could do and i feel FANTASTIC!

I was really bummed this morning as my mother-in-law promised to take me to aqua-aerobics this morning, i got dressed and was ready and everything, and she rung me and told me she couldn't do it. WAS SO ANNOYED. I hate getting dressed up and then feeling like a fool when you have to change. I made the most of it and did the workout vids instead, which i am VERY glad i did.

My eating is more under control lately, i barely eat anything until dinner. BUT i have like an ice cream before bed (ahhh it's so hard not to give in), but at least i'm not eating anywhere near what i WAS eating.

I don't know my weight still, i've gained heaps i think. I can see my thighs touch again, it's so.. soul-crushing.

Tempted.

I'm so tempted to just.. cut. I'm feeling this overwhelming frustration, and anger. I don't know if it's my pregnancy hormones but i've felt so... off all day. When my partner and I are out, I never feel intimidated by other pretty girls. But i saw this really tiny possibly 45/47kg girl, she was gothic looking and tall. She had big wedges on, with a leopard print dress that clung to her tiny frame.
My confidence dropped completely when I saw her.
I thought my partner checked her out, and i mentioned it to him when we left. He told me i was stupid, she didn't see him and I was the only one for him.

Now i'm looking at pictures of pretty gothic clothing (with tiny, beautiful girls) and have just depressed myself.
Urgh.

21.2

I had my sexual abuse/eating disorder counselling session today.

I talk about my eating and body issues, but there is no way i want to recover, especially now. I need the control for when i give birth and need to lose the weight again. 

I've had a problem for awhile now, where i can't watch movies or series with higher level sex scenes in them (which is almost everything) Like, californication, NipTuck, Hung, True Blood etc. Even when the series/movies aren't about sex and just ahve strong sex scenes, i seriously have a panic attack. I feel repulsed, dirty, ashamed, anxious, sick etc. I just want to cry and leave the room. It only happens when I watch things with my boyfriend (who is no way perverted or even..interested in watching them at all). 

My psychologist helped me realise why it's been happening and broke everything down with me.

My dad (in a way) sexually abused me, or abused our father -daughter relationship. He used to watch porn infront of me, and make these awful.. comments about women and what he'd want to do to them whenever something sexual would be on.

Because in a freudian way, i associate some things about my boyfriend - like my dad. (He provides for me, supports me, is there for me etc) I bring back the trauma and memories of when that used to happen, when my boyfriend and i watch movies with sex in them. 

It's such a relief to finally figure it out, i seriously felt guilty and thought it was something to do with my boyfriend, and i hated thinking that.

Anyway, just thought i'd share my retarded thought processes with you.

:)

Also, i found out i'm having a baby girl !xx

21

So, as sick as I am I found a pregnancy weight calculator (harhar) which tells you how much weight you are supposed to gain week by week. It shows an an average, overaverage and underaverage. Since I'm a teen i'm supposed to gain more (don't understand why). Anyway, i'm secretly over the moon as i think i'm about 56-57kg (still disgusting) and i should really be 59-61kg. 

It's so disturbing how it makes me feel, so, joyous and proud, like i'm achieving something. On a few pregnancy forums i'm on everyones complaining "Oh shit i've already gained 12 kgs" or 'whoopsies, i've gained more then I should by the time i'm at the end of the pregnancy." 

It feels like a competition. 

I'm winning.

So far today i've eaten a FATTY mcfat - Spicy Chicken Wrap from Hungry Jacks - a whopping 472 calories. It's almost dinner time, and i'm eating salad, so :D Low calories for meee. Unless i give into cravings (so uncontrollable), then i'll just binge and mope in sadness.

Lately things in my life have been.. out of my control. The feeling of being powerless and not in control really triggers me to s/h. I'm way past that, but sometimes i am tempted to just.. bleed out the pain. 

Anyway, will post  about that another time.

xx

My pot belleh

One of the young mums I know, who has two kids and has another one due in November, introduced me to a website full of mums and expecting mums http://www.baby-gaga.com/ it's kind of strange. You make a profile and add pictures of your belly or your children. And there are tonnes of contests, either the best pregnant belly at whatever week, or cutest smile etc. This isn't meant to offend anyone that reads this that might be a member of the site, but, the impression you get from some of the mums is just.. sad. Like, that's all they do with their lives and they have nothing better to do. It's sad that some people really are in that situation where that's all they can do, it just seems obsessive that's all.


I haven't gained anymore so far, THANK GOD. 
I'll post you a picture of my nightmare belly.

56

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant now, and so far i've gained 4 kilos. Feeling very insecure and uncomfortable right now. I'm sick of my damn boyfriend wanting to eat McDonalds and Hungry Jacks, I've been so out of control i let myself eat what i want (which is way too much)! I disgust myself.
From now on, if i must gain weight, i want it to be necessary weight, not from fat, just from the baby (and the other pregnancy things), not just from me being a gigantic greedy pig.
Addicted to green Granny Smith apples at the moment. They are so delicious!

Gardening!

I used to hate it, now I find there is something serene about being in the garden in the sun, also great way to burn calories! I look completely stupid though, i wear a sombrero as my skin is so so white, I burn very easily, however, i still think i manged to burn  today though :/ I'm starting to nest (Around the fifth month of pregnancy, the "nesting" instinct can set in. This is an uncontrollable urge to clean one's house brought on by a desire to prepare a nest for the baby) So, i was at my mother in law's and started to clean her garden and sort out her pots as there were lots of nasty spiders living behind/inside them. Took a few hours, but i feel accomplished now. Too bad i didn't get the urge at my own house, might look a bit neater if i had V_V. I'm getting very creative atm with making my boyfriend's dinners, home made (super low cal - sneaky) chicken burgers the other night. Tonight I am making him chicken parma's (mine won't be so nasty though) and i'm adding salads with EVERY meal, with mushroom, capsicum, lettuce, olives, cucumber, pickles with a mixture of a tiny helping of low cal mayo and sweet chilli sauce. Delicious! At least it's making me eat a lot healthier.


I HATE CRAVINGS.


I felt so guilty, i made boyfriend (right after dinner) drive to McDonalds to get me a DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER AND A LARGE CARAMEL SUNDAE. I gobbled it right up. Because i'm a fat fat fatttttty. Gr. It's so hard to control the cravings for food, i need to find healthier options. Any suggestions please? All the weight i lost when i had morning sickness has come straight back on and i'm very pissed off. My belly is looking bigger than ever now, 18 weeks in two days. Blergh.


xx

2 years

It was my boys and my 2 year anniversary yesterday. Since we're so tight for money we decided to eat in instead. I spoiled him with things i wouldn't normally cook, with barbecue ribs (his fave) and homemade spiced potato wedges and a delish salad. Creme Brulee for dessert with choc dipped strawberries and champagne in a beautiful steamy spa bath.

He got me beautiful flowers and some cute underwear.
It was great :) xx

16 weeks.

I'm sixteen weeks pregnant, have a huge firm belly that looks like i've been drinking waaaay to much beer and i'm triggered.




First 3 months of being pregnant was bliss (in a fucked up way). I was so sick and tired and lacking of any energy I couldn't keep down any food and the thought of everything i loved made me dry reach.
I don't know how much i lost in that period, I hadn't weighed myself since I moved out (over like 4 months). But everyone started commenting, 'omg honey you look waaaay to skinny, like sickly, you have no thighs! (my problem area) are you eating? you look so sick" Of course i loved that. I didn't see it at all, but i did feel certainly.. lighter.

THEN, as soon as week 12 passed, i've been disregarding any sane thoughts and have been pigging out to the extreme. Hungry jacks, McDonalds, fat fat fatty foods! My appetite is outrageously out of hand and i need to eat every 20 minutes.

A week ago I saw myself in the mirror and definitely knew I had gained, i felt so guilty, so ashamed! I just thought 'That's it, i'm getting my fat ass into gear, It's time to restrict to the EXTREME!' I put it off until yesterday, i had my first ante-natal appointment. They weighed me.
52 kilos on the dot.
That's what i was before i was pregnant. WHICH MEANS, if i've gained weight, i have to have at least been in the 40's! You have no idea how triggering that thought is for me, it's like a drive! I feel like i was in an acceptable weight range for once in the last 5 years! I can do it, if i've been there already i can get there again! I can't, not yet anyway.

Only ... 20 something more weeks to go, pop the baby out, and FAST FAST FAST. I'll get back there again, i'll be a yummy mummy (lmao) I'll be one of those 19 year old mums that everyone sees and is jealous of how fast they lost their baby weight.

I'm actually excited for the challenge, i don't feel hopeless, funnily enough.
Just very very motivated and driven.


My sanity has kicked in though, no more shit food, it's time to hold myself responsible, i will not be like the average woman and gain like 15-20 kg during a pregnancy, I will only allow for a max of 11. 


Why let myself go and make it harder to lose the weight when i eventually give birth.


How is everyone? Miss you guys heaps! Sorry i haven't posted, been so... not in the right frame of mind.
xx

Pregnant.

I found out Sunday.
I hate food.
I morally could not terminate it, or give it up.
:(  I'm keeping it.

I feel like, a drop-kick 19 year old who managed to get herself pregnant.
People are going to judge me. Lame.

Bright

I'm feeling extremely supurb! It's 12:00pm and this is my 3rd day of eating nothing. On Sunday night i felt extremely bloated and disgusting i told myself then and there i was fasting for minimum 3 days.  I've been doing Zumba each day AND i have a new work out video which is so fabulous! Kickboxing for dummies. Apparently doing the work out you can burn up to 700 calories. I broke a river of sweat last night while I did that.

ATM i'm babysitting my siblings for an entire week while my grandparents are overseas. It's great, i give myself the smallest of portions and then when no one is looking i throw the food onto my sisters plate (she knows i'm on a fast).

I just went for a job interview at Bakers Delight (lol) I think i did reasonably well and i have a trial on Monday.
Life is good right now. :)

Hope all you ladies are doing well too

xx

I hate Sundays!

Sundays remind me of when i used to go to school, i'd get this feeling of dread and felt sick.

Fortunately, I don't have school tomorrow, but i have no work either :( Which is really beginning to make me depressed.
Over the last few days i've been noticing my stomach has been .. getting bigger. I'm late for my period but you can't be 'showing' within a month. So the final outcome is IM A FAT BUSHPIG :(

So i just got my Zumba back and am trying out Jillian Michael's 30 day shred.

Urgh i really really want to love sushi. It's so good for you and i just can't eat it. So i got some veggie ones and am forcing myself to eat it.

So i wake up in the morning..

and run down to 7/11 and get some sugar free Red Bulls!
My sister stayed over last night and wanted pizza, so we shared a veggie one. She offered me some this morning. It was SO hard to say no. I love pizza. I just waited till i got some energy drinks!
I've dropped her off to school and am just bummin around sipping my drinks while my hands are about to fall off  from the cooold!

I made the best purchase last week, I invested in a pair of gorgeous panda mittens! They are the best for these cold icy mornings. Especially when i'm driving places! I feel as though i can't steer properly and my fingers will snap :/

So it's Friday (lol reminded of that Rebecca Black song.. ew) and my man get's an early finish today! His in carpentry and his boss is going away for the weekend, so they started earlier at like 6 and he finishes at 11:30, WOO! Cept i have counselling at 12:00pm, and i CBF! It's just annoying, I usually have it on Monday's but i had no petrol and had to postpone until today. Waaahhh.

OBTW Check out my Tumblr! It's not a weight loss one, but i might make one soon. It's more just a collection of photo's i particularly like.
http://smallasapanda.tumblr.com/ 


Have a lovely day ladies <3
xxx

Not to mimic one of the best blogs ever (Zette) but i just found this photo, chunky legs on the left and tiny on the right.

x

Back,, again!

I'M BACK!

I haven't posted for a very very long time. Finally, I have time and room to myself. I moved out with my bf to this beautiful farm just 5 minutes from the CBD of my suburb. (It's not rural at all though).


It's fantastic, apart from the price of petrol...


I can completely dictate what i want to eat (most of the time! :@), as my bf still demands i eat dinner. I give him bigger bowls or bigger plates and give myself smaller dishes with smaller servings or just stacked with healthier things. 


I didn't bring my scales with me, however, I don't think i've lost any weight yet. I want to get down to 45 so badly. Hopefully i haven't gained either!


Only problem in my life right now is finding a job. I can't get one, ANYWHERE! I apply for like 30 different jobs a week without being picky and no one is willing to hire me. I have some modest experience but :( no one cares!


I hope everyone is doing really well :)
I missed you all!

It's 10pm and I'm sitting in bed wearing my panda pj's with my tears streaming down my face, sobbing.

It's my 19th birthday tomorrow, nothing special. The two people in the entire world that would subconciously know it will be my birthday and would never miss it aren't here. My poor daddy is up in heaven and I can't hear him wishing me a million happy birthdays, and my mother is in jail for his death probably looking up at the stars wishig me happy birthday and regrettig everything she has done.

Addicted

Thanks for everyones motivating comments!
It's inspired me to take a new perspective on everything.

So I have a bottle of water with me at all times! As soon as I get hungry I just chug that down. I had been stealing a few drags of my bfs smokes everytime I was hungry but after the last week that's been kinda addicting. So, trying to replace that before it gets out of my control.


Does anyone smoke? What are the pros and cons?

Intake so far:

1 slice of toast 80 cal
a shittonne of water!


Let's hope it stays that way for awhile.

Xxx

FAT!

Could someone do me a gigantic favour and tell me to stop EATING!? I'm sick of it, i can't control myself. I'm so revolted and disgusted.

Fried food = biggest weakness. 

It's the worst for you, I need to implement a process in which i do before i decide to gobble up everything in a 5 yard radius.

Maybe I have to count to 10 and drink half a liter of water and have 3 drags of a cigarette?

I don't know.

Help me. 

I want to be so tiny i could float away...

haaai!

Back! Again.


I feel as though as soon as I feel i'm motivated to start posting more frequently i disappear back into my (fat) shadows. 
I have been doing extremely ordinary. Which of course, isn't good enough. I've been eating like a ravenous starved bear that has just come out of hibernation, (minus the starved part and add chubbiness). 


I feel as though i've been swallowed into a pit of quicksand and only the top of my head is visible. No will to get out, just to sink further into it's depths. 
I haven't gained any weight, so i can't complain, but it's been like a month or so since i've lost anything. I've tried all sorts of things. 
- Eating under 500 cal
- Eating over 500 cal
- Exercising
- No exercising
- Stuffing my face like theres no tomorrow
- Fasting like a cool cat


NOTHING has worked.


Everything feels so pointless. Hmph. 


I was so glad i passed my hazards a week or so ago, but my final driving test is in two weeks from today. Scared, nervous? Yes i am. Shit scared. 
Obtaining my license is like a pass for freedom. I can drive where i want, when i want. I can conveniently drive away when meal times lurk. Hrm. 


My bf and I are thinking of moving out. My grandparents own a place only about 15 minutes from where i'm living currently.
It's vacant, it's roomy, it's private - it's perfect. 
We don't have to pay board, just help around the property (it's 18 acres). Which is totally easy as any excuse to wander around a gigantic property and lose some cellulite is FINE by me.
Also i'll be making my own veggie patch! Totally looking forward to that! I've never really gardened before, but i really need more hobbies.


ANYWAY so that'll be fantastic. Only 1 catch! :(


We need to tell his parents.
His mum is like.... very fond of me, and of course her son. So I don't want her to feel as though i'm taking him away or splitting apart her family. This is something BOTH of us want to do, completely mutually. 
She's so attached to both of us, we drive her everywhere, she won't do the shopping without us. 
So this is a really big problem.


She was also diagnosed with depression recently, so I know she's going to play that card and try to make us feel guilty.
I just feel as though i have no space here, there is no room for me to just lounge on the couch or even any space for me to pick up a hobby. 
ALSO, i will be able to make my OWN meals if i moved out. Which I desperately need to do.


Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Or what did you say to your parents when you first moved out?


xx Miss you all !

It's almost been a month since my last post, i feel awful! I never get the computer anymore, so that really doesn't help. I've almost got my license, April 13th and i'm booked in. Fingers crossed. I sat my hazard perception test today, passed, 80% which is just okay.

Been busy busy busy, looking for courses, dealing with money issues and just general stuff. Of course food.

I refused point blank to eat dinner last night, pork chops chips and a salad. I'm sick of it. That entire meal would be as nutritious as a leather boot.

Disgusting.

How are you all going?x

Hey guys!

I'm loving the treadmill ATM. I find it's fun to not have it on a particular program and listen to music and adjust the speed to the beat.
I was annoyed to find when I get to a run-jog somethin near my navel hurts. Last time I had that pain I had to get a cyst removed off my ovary. I hope it's not that again.

I am less stressed now as I've kind of realized which course I'd like to do and which path is like to take. Community services. Where you go to peoples houses and help them with practical things like food vouchers or contacting people on behalf of them or reporting child abuse etc.

It's going to be hard to talk to my grandparents about this as they are so old fashioned and believe I should just get any job and be on a stable income. They are my only parent role-models left so I don't want to dissapointed them. But like my counsellor said today "they were born in a different era and life isn't that way anymore." I suppose there are so many opportunities available so why not make te most of them
and be happy in what you do.


Hope everyone is going well xx

I'm getting the treadmill today! So excited. It will barely fit in my room, but I don't care! 
Urgh it's shopping day today. Usually i love shopping  but grocery shopping for like 5 hours isn't what i call enjoyable. Then having bag it, put it in the car, drive home, take it all inside and put it away. (Gotta love ALDI) My mother in law does insane amounts of shopping for her 5 person family it's just too much. 


Oh well, sorry i don't post every day, I just don't find the time to get on the PC and i can't see everyones posts when i get on the IPhone, which is incredibly annoying. 

Weekend soon, woo!

Except my partner and i promised to take his 10 year old sister to the aquarium. It costs 65 in total just for 3 tickets. FML. That's not including parking and lunch. I'm thinking we might take the train. 


Hope you all have a lovely day and are doing fine!
x

Treadmill!

I really prefer cross trainers over treadmills any day, BUT, my auntie is letting me borrow her treadmill as it's been an ornament in her house for some time now. I'm totally excited, i have almost no space in my room though. I WILL find some! I'm very excited as i've been so so slack with exercising since i got sick.

It really threw me off when i got sick a few weeks ago. I had been doing over an hour of cardio a day with zumba and other exercises and then i got too sick to do anything. I did Zumba a few days ago but not since then. I also got a Yoga DVD a day ago for only $3.99! I haven't done Yoga before but i heard it's very relaxing and can clear your mind.

A lot has been on my mind lately and have been sleeping terribly. As soon as i'm alone in my mind (like when i'm showering or before bed and BF has fallen alseep) my mind wakes up and starts going over all these images and thoughts that i don't want to see. I was sexually abused as a kid and these images won't go away. Since my dad died they have been so vivid and it's becoming a real problem.

I applied for sexual abuse counselling last week but there is a 12 week waiting list in my area. So, i'm not sure how i'm going to cope. I have general counselling every week with a male, he referred me for the other counselling as he feels as though he's not equipped in that area very well. Also, it's kinda weird talking about that more personal stuff with a male.



So on my analog scales i'm 50 kilos and on my digital i'm 52.  The digital ones are a lot older and the analog ones are brand new.  So i don't know who to trust. But anyway, i've been on a plateau for some time now. Any advice on how to get out of there!? It's annoying.

It's 12pm and all i've had is a 100cal pack of Milo Oats. Just found them, they are amaziiiiing! So i'm going well - for now.

Hope everyone is doing well.

xx

Sad

Sorry to post so quickly after a previous post but, I'm layin in bed at 12:35 am and I can't sleep.
My bf and I have been watching ghost hunters. At first I was scared about weird noises and ghosts but I told myself that even if a mean ghost would come my dad would protect me. And now I'm sitting here, my warm tears rolling down my cheeks, thinking about where my dad actually is. Where do you go when you die? Do you go up into the sky, heaven? Do you go into the dirt, the soil. Are you apart of the plants and the trees and the lush green grass?
When I saw my dad after he died, it was so strange. I was staring into a coffin at my father, but I didn't 'see' him there. It was just a squashed amount of heavy mass. His soul, what brought his body to life wasn't there anymore. The way his eyebrows would go up when he made funny jokes and he would squint his eyes and he would smile and you could see his crooked tooth. It wasn't there. His eyes were dim slits of emptiness, his lungs no longer full of air, breathing in life.

He looked like a squashed mouse you buy to feed your pet snake. I touched his cheek, he skin was so cold, you could see the make up they'd uses to cover the bruising and the beating that had crushed in his skull.
Where was he? Where is his energy? I talk to him every night as though he's up in the sky watching me, but sometimes it feels as though I'm talking to nothing and it feels so pointless wishing to the ceiling for my daddy back. All the times I had nothing to do during the day, he'd MSG me and ask if I wanted to go for a driving lesson. Or i would ring him and ask to pik me up. And how Id always steal his beer from his fridge as soon as I'd come over.


I sound so retarded, I don't expect anyone to actually read all of this, I'm just talking to myself to get some of my feeligs out. Xx love you all

Hey guys!
Urgh I'm sorry I'm such a slow poster, I'm bad though, I know. I've recovered from my sickness, I still feel a little sick when I eat or smell foods. Hopefully not pregnant.

So I had counselling today, it was okay. I cried a little actually, which was unusual for me. I've been feeling a bit sad about my parents lately, mum in jail and having to deal with the consequences of her actions and my poor dad being dead and how he must of suffered before he died. It kills me inside thinking about that. Which is why I try no to think about it so often. I got referred to see another type of counsellor for the sexual abuse. So I have to fix some problems. I can't even watch movies with high level sex scenes in it or graphic scenes without havig a panic attack. I seriously have to leave the room, and I start crying. It's so annoying.

Thanks to all you lovelies for the nice comments on my blog. Love you all xx

Working

So i'm currently at work feeling very out of it ( i took some very nice high strength pain killers courtesy of my boss). 

I've been so sick since about Tuesday this week. It all started with being all emotion and crying over really small things, then all of a sudden i had a pounding headache, my entire body was aching from head to toe, i got hot and cold flushes and felt completely miserable. 

I never really get sick so it was a pretty big thing for me. So i told myself if i still had it in the morning i'd take myself to the doctors. 

Well the exact moment i woke up, the headache was still there! I could barely even get out of bed i was that achy. So i waited for an hour at the doctors to be seen.

This middle eastern Dr calls out my name. I follow him into the room.

I graphically describe my symptoms and he has a quick look in my ears and barely a glance down my throat.

"You have a common viral infection it will be gone tomorrow, take some panadol.'

WHAT THE FUCK!

I almost started crying. You can't tell me i'm feeling so shitty and miserable right now and panadol is going to cure it!?

Panadol doesn't work for me at the best of times, i take 4 and it won't even begin to relieve my headache.

I said to him 'Well.. i think it's much worse than that' he said 'Okay' and i left.

My grandmother was waiting outside for me and i started crying as soon as i saw her.

I know it seems strange to cry over that, but i felt... stupid, like he didn't believe me or how i felt wasn't valid.

So every day for the last 4 days it's gotten progressively worse. First the glands became incredibly swollen (They are sticking out of my neck!) then for some reason my gums became really tender and sore, particularly around a certain front tooth. Then i got an ulcer on my gums underneath my tongue, now my teeth are sooooo sore. My tonsils are enlarged and now i can't eat or drink without a lot of pain..

I mean it's good i can't eat, but i feel so dehydrated and drinking water is so painful (because it's so heavy aswell)

So I went to go to another Dr's last night, but whatddya know.. the entire suburb is flooding and the Dr's surgery is out of power and 8 of their rooms are flooded out. Great, just great.

It was soo scary, my backyard flooded, the pond was overflowing into the garden and the goldfish were swimming amongst the flowers. 

Down the end of my street the water level was rising and got to waist deep. My little sister-in-law and her friends were boogey boarding down the street.

It was really scary actually..

ANYWAY i had to work yesterday and today. It was so difficult to work up enough willl power to get myself on a train at 7:00am in the morning then riding that for 40 minutes then catching another bus and walking up hill. Fml. 

My boss said 'Why didn't you tell me you were that sick you could have stayed home!'. But i was doing her  a favour coming in on a Sat and i didn't want to go against my word (also that's an extra 90 dollars in my pocket!)  

So she was kind enough to give me the good pain killers and i'm feeling a lot better (for now)

Hot!

So it's 39 degrees Celsius which is 102 Fahrenheit i believe. It's really hot. I didn't do Zumba yesterday, feeling quite guilty, but it's too hot to do it and my bungalow doesn't have AC so it's almost like an oven in there.

Don't you hate it when someone with a private numbers calls you and you miss it? Yeah just happened, i'm doing the dishes (blergh) with the music on really loud and i missed a call. AND i bet it was probably something important, like the RTA (Vicroads) or the person who is supposed to call me today to answer any questions i may have about the retail traineeship i was offered.

Oh well, HOPEFULLY they will call back. We shall see.

So, i'm in the process of cleaning, mother in law is out today so im doing some household duties like dishes, washing, general cleaning. EVEN though i did the dishes yesterday. Grr.

So i haven't gained but i haven't lost anything! I never lose, never never never! I was 52.0 yesterday so i did lost a tiny incy bit, but I haven't seen past that weight for a long time. Maybe i need to get my ass into gear and do some kind of kick-off diet. I dont know...

So i have counselling a 2pm today, it's not 12 and i have no way of getting there. I would love to walk but I would come back cooked and looking like a permanent lobster, which doesn't sound all that appealing. I wish i could tan. Whenever i get fake tans I feel skinnier, and sexier. If only if I could get a real one.

I got a new dress yesterday, thankfully there is a chain of womens clothing shops here that have all sizes imaginable. - 'Supre' I don't know if anyone has it overseas though? They go all the way down to xxxs. I was in Valleygirl the other day, and i tried on a size 8 top and it was MASSIVE. I had to get a size 6. (I think that is size 2 ... in America? - IDK) But i'm no where a size 6, maybe a size 8 possibly.

My sister-in-law just turned 10 yesterday and she got a pair of fake jeans from a local store (which look really really cool) and i went to have a look at them and i thought i'd fit the biggest childrens size but i had to go two sizes smaller for it to fit. Clothes are sagging more and more and not fitting right anymore. It's irritating because i can't see the difference in my body.

ANYWAY sorry for the long post,

love you all and thanks for all your comments on my previous post (More are welcome though - I'm curious about what determines whether you are considered bulimic or not)
xx

Purging?

So I never really considered myself bulimic at all, but i do purge a lot lately - after big meals or binges. I am doing over an hour of Zumba a day and then  20 minutes of my assorted workouts.
I am not losing any weight, i gained weight still. Is this because i'm gaining muscle? Or i am just stupid?

Anyway, i have a question (or a few) for people that identify themselves as Mia.
I can't purge by stuffing anything in my throat, i just... drink a shit tone of water in 10 seconds and it just comes out a mouthful at a time. (Sorry if this is graphic) How do most people induce vomiting?

Anyway, it takes FOREVER to get it all up, like 30 minutes? Is that normal for people? Does it take that long.

This isn't for any 'tips or tricks' , but i'm just curious to know.

I'm sorry if i offended anyone in any way by writing this post.

******

Anyway, take away was last night (hence my purging questions). I wasn't even HUNGRY but i ate an entire Red  Rooster chicken wrap thingy. I purged most of it up.

I was talking to my guy in bed last night and he was saying that he thinks about proposing to me regularly and it's something he wants to do reasonably soon. (I was telling him a story about one of my friends and how her and her partner would talk about getting married regularly, but he would never propose and she found out she he was really scared and couldn't admit it to her)


I'm feeling kind of tired, just worked today and have work tomorrow - Saturday ! Blergh, but money is always a good thing. I spent 8 dollars and got two covergirl powder foundations, a mascara, two lipsticks, tweezers, a nail file and candles! I know, best shop evaaa!!! times a million!

This is the shop i've been offered to do the traineeship at. I just got a Chanel bag and am eyeing off  a Jimmy Choo one atm.

Thanks for all the comments guys, it brightens up my day reading them and makes me feel special (So feel free to comment on this!)

Love you all
xx

Routine

Well i've been Zumba every day for almost a week now and my various PT exercises. It's a bit weird though because i've realised he more i do Zumba the less i sweat and i don't feel satisfied, i'm still giving it my all and trying harder with the moves but it just doesn't feel the same as it did when i started. I'm considering getting one of those really hard workouts like the insane one or P90 etc, i don't know really all that much about them, does anyone do any work out vids they can suggest?

What made me even ANGRIER is i barely eat all day and restrict at dinner so most days i have max 300-500 cals (and workout!) and i was at 52 kilos (WOOO) then i am yo-yoing from 52.4, 52.9, 53.1 i was getting so so angry!! Then out of the blue i got my period last night, so i'm really hoping that's the reason for the bizarre weight gain. I'm 5 days early so i wasn't expecting it at all.

So, i saw my counselor on Monday, we got into a big discussion about my life goals and potential careers.
I haven't had a goal or even a faint idea of what i want to do with my life, i don't know if i want to work, or want to study.  Actually, i do have ideas but there are too many of them!

It's like i'm at a crossroads, an intersection. I see all these paths (careers) i could go down. Instead of picking one i look down each path and all i see are the hurdles in front of me, like time, costs, people, stress etc. Eventually i realise each path has a shittonne of hurdles and i sit down and don't pick any.
It's really frustrating. I see the hurdles and then think 'Hrm, do i REALLY want to go down that road? I can over come the hurdles if i want to do it enough. But... do i REALLY want to do it?' It makes me rethink wether i have a real interest in those things or if it's just a faint liking in the subject.Anyway, counselor told me to come up with a list of things i enjoy/am good at doing. So here they are.

- IT -
I'm really good with computers, i could build/fix them which is really flexible as you can do that from home and be your own boss.

- Personal Training -
i am passionate about having a good looking body, the course is only a year long it's like 3 grand but in the end you can pick your own hours and own your own business (or work in a gym).

- Nutritionist -
I am obesssed with foods and calorie contents etc. But i know there is a lot more to it than that, like food allergies, stomach diseases, vitamins and minerals etc. And i'm pretty sure it's a 3 year degree.

- Writing -
Ever since grade 5 all my teachers have encouraged me to be a writer as i was always creative in that aspect and had fantastic writing skills (obviously not displayed in this blog lol) More so in creative writing or a journalism aspect. This i can also do from home and in my own time. However you aren't always guaranteed work unless you work for a newspaper and they pick what you have to write.

- Beauty -
All women want to look good. So it will always be a booming industry. A short course on waxing is 900 dollars and then im qualified to charge people 50 bucks for half an hour of waxing their legs. Or 600 for spray tanning  and that only takes 3 hours to become qualified. Or even make up etc. I can do all those things at home, or at their house or in a salon etc.


BUT then yesterday i got offered a retail traineeship, it's not something im passionate about but it's guaranteed work for a year, which is fantastic,  especially while my boy is on shitty apprentice wages for the next 3 years. So i was thinking maybe i go back to study once he's done?

I don't know.. it's all so difficult. Any advice? It would be VERY appreciated.
Thank you :)

Urgh.
Same thing happened today as yesterday. Didn't eat all day, I wasn't sure what we were having for dinner as we had take away last night so I was planning on eating as little aspossible. Because we had such a late dinner (8pm) by that time I was starving! They ended up orderin pizza for dinner so I went halves with my bf and got a supreme. I ate all 4 slices, barely any cheese though thankfully. I still felt like a fat cow none the less.
I tried to purge but I had to pick my sister up at a certain time, when we gt back I tried to purge what I could.
However I did two zumba work outs today and Billy blanks tae Bo cardio work out as well as 50 sit ups, 20 push ups, 50 leg lifts, 50 squats and I worked on my leg magi machine. Hopefully I burnt everything off just hating my flabiness ATM and it's getting me down.

I fail. I didn't eat all day because I knew we were having take out night at McDonalds.
I was planning on ordering a small fries and a soft serve ( i dip the chips in it) an only eating half of each and flushing it down with a diet coke. Only thing I got right was the die coke. I ordered a large mighty angus meal. WTF. Proba like a thousand calories.
So I'm sitting in my bathroom running to the scales and back purging. The worst thing about this- I don't feel guilty.
Urgh hope eeryone else has had a better day.
Much love x

Progresssss!

Finally, i lost the weight i gained over Christmas, I don't know if it was all to do with Christmas or my period.

I'm even below my pre-Christmas weight! I weighed in at 52.4 this morning, it's not much lower, but it's better than nothing! At the moment i've been just restricting all day and not eating anything, just liquids then at dinner i try to keep it under 300 calories (still having family dinners). So that's been proving to be helpful so far.

This morning i order some diet pills Detoxufree72, one of the bloggers i follow, Sarah, tried them out and she lost a few kilo,s so for 10 dollars i thought i'd give them a shot.

Things have been a bit unstable in the household. Last week my mother-in-law took an intervention order out on her husband (there had been a few violent incidents involving her and her other son). Each altercation was induced by alcohol though, that was the only trigger. The next night they made up. It made me so frustrated, i'd done so much and stressed all week about what she could do and she finally takes the plunge then hits rewind!

Urgh, i don't understand things, but my grandparents told me all i can do is sit back and say nothing and let them live their lives how they want to, i can live my life how i want to.

Desperately wanting to move outttt! So, so so bad. Once i get my inheritance i am applying for a loan and buying a house, freedom!

Also, i went to my job-seeking company yesterday and they applied for a (i explained how i was under so much stress and pressure atm) easy mundane low stress job (for the time being) as a pharmacy assistant!
Wish me luuuck!

I finally sent my letter off to apply for an exemption to get my license asap! So hopefully that turns out well too.

I hate waiting, but that's all i seem to do in life.

Hopefully i can update next time with better news!

So, i officially fail! I've had no time to write in my blog, that and the fact that my computer isn't set up in the house and the only other 'family' one is taken ALL the time (blergh).


So yesterday i came back from my short holiday, my grandparents own a beach house on the coast and it is just so beautiful! A little limestone cottage, with lush green grass (and many spiders :c ).
I didn't end up even going for a swim at the beach, the weather was off and on the whole time and the fact that i gained like 2 full kilos didn't make me feel so flash hot either. 
It was relaxing anyway, we spend NYE up there, i went to some small family party and didn't do much else. 
I went up there with my bf, siblings and grandparents. 
We went on a 10m motor boat my cousin had made which was fabulous! We got to see the seals on this little island in the middle of the sea. They stunk, like... really really bad. 


Mostly i just relaxed, drank, and vsed my partner in chess (i kicked his ass every time). So pretty un-eventful, but peaceful.


We've come back to find that my partners mother wants to get a divorce! My partners dad has been really angry lately. It's only when he drinks too much beer (which is becoming quite frequent) he's had heart troubles and i dont think this heart medication is mixing well with all the alcohol! 


So that's pretty sad, but he can get violent towards everyone, so i figure, safety first! And theres no point staying with someone if you're not happy, and she's not, so yeah.


I'm so worried about my brother, he's going down the wrong path, ever since my dad died he's been smoking a shit tonne of pot (he's only 14 or 15?) stealing, lying, drinking so much booze and just hanging with the wrong crowd. It doesn't help that he's new gf is such a bad influence and his best friend got expelled from their private school for smoking weed and selling it. Great.


ALSO i neeeeeed need neeed to get my license! I'm just so desperate to be able to drive myself places and not be so dependent on everyone else.  I can't remember if i explained it in my previous posts, but in Australia we need to fill out log books of 120 hours of driving practice. If you don't fill it out you can't get your license. I completed mine but had left it at my father's house for him to sign off on the hours. Yeah well... i have no idea where it is and i have to apply for certain exemptions and it's taken well over 4 months now. I can't get a job if i don't have a license because the area i want to work in (Real Estate) a license is basically essential. 


So much stress ! Grrr.
I had a baby scare a week or so ago. I forgot a pill one night (but took it in the morning) I had been eating like a fat pig for 3 weeks and my sense of smell had gone strange, AND i was late for my period for over 5 days. I did pregnancy tests, both were negative, but i never have an appetite, and it was very ferocious as i was craving bizarre foods that were just weird. 


Anyway on my holiday i got a surpriseeee, it was annoying but good at the same time >.> I must have been over stressed with Christmas and NYE and just everything.


I'm really not impressed with the weight gain though, so it's 2pm and i've eaten nothing! (I'd fast but dinner is lurking and i can't get out of that one so easily) So i'll see if i can restrict as much as possible! Need to be slim.


On my holiday i saw heaps of girls in bikinis parading around the beach. I asked my sister who i looked the most similar to in body shape, she picked one out and i almsost threw up. She was sooo chubby! I said 'omg i must be so fat then...' and my sister was like .. 'Um you're not fat at all and neither is she, you tard!'
I didn't see it that way though. My sister is only 13 but she's an inch taller than me and weighs 52 ( i weigh almost 54 as of this morning) but she looks so much tinier than me, i don't know if it's all in my head or not, i can fit the same clothes as her, but her figure just seems soooo... far way.


ANYWAY sorry for the extremely long post but i figured i should keep you updated.


BTW I'm on the hunt for some good diet pills (or anything to assist in weight loss) If anyone has any kind of advice or suggestions, PLEASE, i'm in desperate need!


XX