Sad

Sorry to post so quickly after a previous post but, I'm layin in bed at 12:35 am and I can't sleep.
My bf and I have been watching ghost hunters. At first I was scared about weird noises and ghosts but I told myself that even if a mean ghost would come my dad would protect me. And now I'm sitting here, my warm tears rolling down my cheeks, thinking about where my dad actually is. Where do you go when you die? Do you go up into the sky, heaven? Do you go into the dirt, the soil. Are you apart of the plants and the trees and the lush green grass?
When I saw my dad after he died, it was so strange. I was staring into a coffin at my father, but I didn't 'see' him there. It was just a squashed amount of heavy mass. His soul, what brought his body to life wasn't there anymore. The way his eyebrows would go up when he made funny jokes and he would squint his eyes and he would smile and you could see his crooked tooth. It wasn't there. His eyes were dim slits of emptiness, his lungs no longer full of air, breathing in life.

He looked like a squashed mouse you buy to feed your pet snake. I touched his cheek, he skin was so cold, you could see the make up they'd uses to cover the bruising and the beating that had crushed in his skull.
Where was he? Where is his energy? I talk to him every night as though he's up in the sky watching me, but sometimes it feels as though I'm talking to nothing and it feels so pointless wishing to the ceiling for my daddy back. All the times I had nothing to do during the day, he'd MSG me and ask if I wanted to go for a driving lesson. Or i would ring him and ask to pik me up. And how Id always steal his beer from his fridge as soon as I'd come over.


I sound so retarded, I don't expect anyone to actually read all of this, I'm just talking to myself to get some of my feeligs out. Xx love you all