Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Hey guys!
(sorry in advance about my spelling the iPhone buttons are tiny and selective text cea up with so
w weirs things)

It's been like maye two weeks? I'm not too sure - either way I'm sorry!
I can see how hard it is to keep a blog updated. Things have been so busy wig Christmas and what not. I'm writing this on my iPhone on bed, I really should be trying to sleep as I haves work tomorrow and it's 11:11 make a wish! *makes a thousan wishes* I remember my bf asked me what I made a wish for and I said "you have a whole minute, why make one wish?" it's true though, make as many as you can!
So what dis everyone get for Christmas? I got monies, hair curler, gift vouchers, coco chanel madammoiselle perfume gift pack (from bf) andddxddd!!!!! A beautiful diamond ring a he said he wanted to propose but he apparently he wanted to give me a friendship ring first lol. I was like are you sure you're not just tryin to avoid it? ( not that I'm ready just yet)but he said there was method to his madness and wanted to find out what I likes and what size my finger is)
anyway I was very happy to saythe least. I went withy siblings to go see my mother in jail, on my way to see her I felt so hard done by. where was I suppsed to go to visit my dad? She'd taken him away from us, honestly how selfish do you have to be? I know he answer though, I don't have to go anywhere because I know he'll be with me wherever I go.
Christmas wasn't the same without him though, I knew it wouldn't, but that's just life I suppose....

Sorry for being a downer I will get around and update myself on your blogs, I promise - at some point :)

anyway leave a comment and tell me how you've all been doing ( If anyone is still following)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Ahh i've been so slow in updating but ive been so so busy the last couple of days.
I got a job, at a Sub-Newsagency which also sells MAC makeup and LV bags etc. It's fantastic, since i get a discount too! She wants me to work about 3-4 days a week, WOO!
Every year before Christmas my mum's side of the family does a 'Mother Daughter' thing and we go out to the Sofitel and have a very expensive buffet lunch/ afternoon tea type thing, where we all catch up and say hi.
It was okay, I barely ate anything so i didn't feel so guilty. I mostly ate strawberries and small rectangle bites of assorted sandwiches.
I also got an Iphone!  A bit late, but always glad to have one :)

Also! Two nights ago i found an infestation in me and my bfs room! I have no idea what they were but under my bed there is a spare mattress that one of our friends uses when he comes over. We found all these little white eggs attached to it and my partner popped one and out came a very tiny white worm! It wasn't a maggot or anything like that, was very scared so i insect bombed the room and stayed out. Gross! I felt so violated.

Anyway, what have you guys been up to?

Monday, December 13, 2010


Wow wow wowowowow. It was fantastic!

We arrived there at 2, the marble pillars stretched up two floors to the ceiling. The reception area was so grand, and dimly lit. They had a Christmas show playing in the foyer next to the fountains. Checked in, everything was fine. We spent about 15 minutes trying to work out which floor we were on. The lady at the counter had given us a little card holder with two room cards and a card with a room number on it, 1218. Little did we know the first two digits of the card meant the floor number V_V. We were travelling up and down the elevators, we thought it you stuck the card in the 'insert card here' port in the elevator it would automatically take us to the floor, instead you had to press it as well. 
The room was massive, a gigantic king bed with white and black linen, about 10 cushions on it. A desk with two chairs, a day bed and a 50 inch LCD in front of the bed, with foxtel (score). The bathroom was marble, with two basins, a chandelier, separate shower and toilet and a huge deep soak bath with an LCD tv to enjoy while enjoying a scrub. 
A very expensive mini bar next to the bed. There was a piccolo bottle of champagne $38.99 !!! WHAT THE HELL! Coke was 5 dollars for a small glass bottle. Let's just say we did NOT touch the minibar after we saw that. 

We went and saw the new Narnia Movie in 3D which was really good too btw. Coke a large diet coke and bf got a large popcorn AND Peanut M'n'M's (ahhhhh yum) so needless to say, I pigged out on that. However in fairness to us, we hadn't eaten all day and by this time it was 4pm and i'm a fat COWWW. :X

So after the movie we go back to hotel (which is in the same complex, so convenient) and i have an hour long soak in the tub. Was so refreshing! There were all these soaps and shampoo and conditioners and even a shaver with shaving cream! 
Afterwards we went out for dinner to the 'Crown Pub'. It was so so scrumptious! I couldn't decide what i wanted. It was so difficult deciding wether or not to continue to ruin my day and get a massive chicken burger or pasta or something withh a zillion calories.
I compromised, something tasty but kinda healthy a 'Taco Beef Salad' full of HEAPS of green leafy lettuce, a small portion of spicy mince meat, salsa, avocado and some sour cream. The naughtiest part of the dish was the fried tortilla. (I ATE IT!) I didn't count any calories for that night, i also had a pint of low-carb beer. BF got a wagyu steak burger. I had a small bite and it was heavenly. The meat was so pink it was delishhh. 
After that we ventured onto Galactic Circus, for those of you that don't know what that is, it's like a massive play center full of coin slot machines playing DDR, racing cars games, photobooths, candy and toy winning mahines - you get the picture. 

We spent $20 there, damn machine ate 6 dollars! Was not happy. We left, unenthusiastic.

THEN! My first time evaaa, at the casino! Had lots of fun, played the slot machines mostly, we spent 40 and came out with 60. Which was a fluke because we won the 40 back, then decided to try roulette. I told bf to put 5 dollars on red and he put 5 dollars on number 21, and he won 30 dollars, Wooo!

Had another pint of beer each,
went back to the hotel and had some sexious sexy times (lol yes you needed to know that!) 
I was SO RAVENOUS for breakfast i ate two eggs and a piece of toast! 
Anyway, great night, fantastic hotel 5/5
Here's a shitty pic of me and the BF and the view. Didn't get any good shots of the room ( i was nekked most of the time, and there were mirrors everywhere so,yuh)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I was a girl today! I got a manicure, lol. - 'Six Pack Summer' was the color
Sorry bad photo but that showed the color the best, but it's more fluro.

Mmm, anyway today started off fine. The weather was pretty awful, it's supposed to be summer, the grey murky marble colored skies don't really seem so welcoming. My cousin invited me and my sisters out into Melbourne Central (went there again lol) for lunch and a manicure. (She shouted us, so it was even better). I got 10 chicken bites for lunch -200 cal and a diet coke, while everyone chowed down on 700+ large meals, gross.

Window shopped for a few hours burning calories.
We originally took the train in but she offered to drive us home, score!

Got home and dinner was waiting, Shepard's pie, garlic bread and veggies.  I ATE IT ALLL. (Then purged it ifeelreallyguilty:x)
Nothing much else to report on excccccccccccept!
So me and my bf will be staying there tomorrow night, can't wait. Marble bathrooms, king bed, a 'deep soak' spa bath. Oooh, heaven.

Anyway, since i've managed to maintain so far, here are two pics of me, I couldn't decide which one i liked, i look a bit tubby in them but oh well, a work in progress still!xx

BTW i was thinking of dying my hair a copper blonde x strawberry blonde, any advice/comments?  Ploise? :)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

DOUBLE POST (Asif the last post wasn't long enough)
But this post is about today.

Thursday is shopping day.
My partner, his mother and I go down to the local mall to pay bills, buy misc. things we may need, have a brunch  in preparation for a big grocery shop.
I don't mind Thursdays so much as there is a lot of calorie burning involved walking and lifting and being active.
As we were walking around it was my partner's turn to decide what he wanted for brunch.  'Subway' he stated. At least it wasn't too unhealthy. I was getting quite sick of eating take away.
Every time i have tried to get out of eating on Thursdays I receive a lot of pressure and obligations. 'You have to eat, OR WE ARE NOT EATING!' or just disappointing looks and disappointed faces.
I decided not to fight against the current. I ordered a 6 inch wheat bread with egg and ham. I ate half and wrapped the half up for 'later'. Only 150 calories.

I was excited for tonight as my aunty was taking me out Christmas shopping in the City for my siblings presents, aswell as my own! I boarded the train, preparing myself for 45 minutes of nothing. I brought my cute lepoard print moleskin journal along with me. I thought i may decide to jot some interesting ideas down.
I find when i am alone, i am at my most creative. Observing the world not through a person, almost as if i am looking over everyone, trying to guess their personalities; their traits.
I wrote a little story, it was quite morbid about how everytime i board a train i assess everyone and think about all the worst possible outcomes of what could happen on the train. Whom would i ask for help? Who would i avoid?
I arrived at Melbourne Central Station. I noticed quite a number of men staring at me, I always assume people look at me because I must look strange, or amusing. My boyfriend always says it's because they are checking me out, but who is he kidding?
I decide to walk the long way out of the building, i am certain my Aunt will take me for a fatty dinner and i want to make use of any incidental exericse i can get. I skip the tram and walk the next few large blocks to Bourke Street Mall. She is not waiting for me, i call her. 'Oh sorry hun, was caught in a meeting. Ill be there in 15. Go have a look in Myer, see you soon!'
I decide not to shop. Instead i saw a comfortable looking bench and made my way towards it. I sat down. A strange man stood infront of me, i could tell he was homeless (or hadn't updated his wardrobe in a very long time). It looked as though he had a hair lip, it could have been a scar from a brawl.
I took out my journal again, as i began to write i notice the man staring at me throwing his bowler hat on the ground, pretending as though he dropped it. He picked it up again and instead of placing it on his head threw it to the side. He was acting like a clown.
I stood up, weirded out. I walked over to another bench, i looked up to see if the man was continuing with his charade; he was gone. He was no where to be seen.

Eventually i caught up with my aunt. I tried on a good quality MAC foundation. The girl who served us was stunning. She had a beautiful face and a tiny waist. Her shiny leggings flattered her thighs. Her skin was a dairy milk chocolate. What made it worse, she was SO nice! She was helpful and gave me tips on how to ensure the make up lasted and tips on how to apply it evenly. In the end, i purchased the product >.> Just goes to show how a nice personality can go a long way (even in sales).

blah blah blah i ate a shit tonne of calories. Ate a very yummy vegan burger from lord of the fries, and :( chips too (can't get away)!

Does anyone have a creative streak? Want to be a writer perhaps?

I didn't post yesterday because im naughty and a big fat failure! TALKING ABOUT FRIED POTATO, I ATE SOOOO MUCH!
No, really. I was fine all day my bf wanted to get scrumptious quiche from the local bakery (which is SO divine!) and it took every once of my being not to ask for one too. I really felt like gingerbread (people are making gingerbread houses in the family) but they did not sell any at the bakery. Fail.
So i went to the local supermarket next door and got a small 100 cal gingerbread man and a 90 cal 'Forme' Caramel tart flavoured yogurt. Only cost $2.85 in total! 

I got home ate half the gingerbread man and half the yogurt and felt INCREDIBLY nauseous. At first i couldn't pinpoint the feeling but my partner realised i had heartburn. I only get heartburn if i don't eat properly for awhile and the foods aren't absorbed in the stomach acids. I decided to toast a wheat roll. As soon as i ate it i felt a million times better.

An hour later i was having the same gutwrenching spasms and waves of sickness fell upon me. I considered food posioning, which however, seemed unlikely since no one else had it. I could not stand the feeling of needing to be sick anymore! I decided to end it by actually vomitting. I tried .. and failed. As i tried to regurgitate, it felt as though everything was stuck, I quickly drank two full bottles of water to assist me. The painful burning sensation crept up through my throat and into my nose. All that was coming up was bile!
Yesterday was take-away night, in the middle of my session my partner came in to check on me and asked what i would like for dinner.
I was hoping they were going to the town center so i could make a very low cal pizza out of pita bread and low cal veggies.
No, they were going to red rooster or McDonalds.
Great. What could i eat that would be bland enough not to throw up? Fried potato chips! Urgh, i requested my partner order an up-sized chips and to just get me 6 chicken nuggets. That way i couldn't gobble up all the chips and be greedy.

It was difficult keeping everything down but i was starving! I felt incredibly guilty eating so many calories without being able to purge them. I was already at the point of needing to pass out, I don't think my bf would have been too impressed if i did.

I went to bed knowing that i would have gained so much in the morning.
The scales read previously - 54.5 kilos
i stepped on them the morning after (this morning) they read 52.9.
Apparently eating a shittonne of greasy chips help you uhh 'remove' everything from your system so, i lost weight.
Was happy about that!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I volunteered to make dinner tonight (I am sick to death of eating fried potato!!!!!!). I made roast chicken, salad and a side of satay rice, HOWEVER, some people were not happy about not eating fried potato so i made everyone else some instead. 
We have had some form of fried potato for the past 3 weeks, I am dying!
So calories for the day -
Piece of bread - 73 cal
Margarine - 15 cal
Roast Chicken - 200 cal
1/4 of potato - 38 cal
2 mouthfuls of Satay rice - 15 cal
50g Lettuce - 6 cal
STUPID Royal Biscuit - 71 CALORIES!

TOTAL ; 417
Minus exercise ; 248

Been playing WoW with the boyfriend for the last couple of hours and my back is KILLING me! It hurts to sit at the pc this long, especially when you have a shit chair and am sitting at a dining table. FML

Monday, December 6, 2010


So today my partners mother and me wrapped up some of the Christmas presents we've gotten for various family members and put them under the tree. This is a tradition i am unfamilar with. I understand most families do this, however, in my family we didn't have anything under there until Christmas morning.
It's been a few months since my dad was murdered.
Some Christmas this will be, dad dead and mum in jail and 5 brothers and sisters who are considered to be 'double orphans'.
Last year we bought my dad a cheese server. The cutting board with a magnetic edge with various utensils to cut the cheeses he so adored.
I bought him a ps3 remote control for fathers day this year because he found it irritating to use the controller. He wasn't' alive long enough to see it.
Sorry for the depressing post, it's just one of those days.

So far i've eaten a slice of toast and a coffee. I don't know what's for dinner yet, probably fat.
Has anyone had to deal with loss before, in any sense? Some comfort would be appreciated :)


It's 9:43pm and i'm playing WoW (World of Warcraft). I don't usually play all that often anymore ( i was addicted to it for like 4 years) but the midnight launch for the expansion 'Cataclysm' is out tonight and my bf is dragging me there so i have to wait until then :( I would have been happy with buying it tomorrow or never. Blergh.
Did okay today foodwise.
My grandmother took me and my siblings out for coffee and lunch. I had a skim milk iced coffee (no cream) and a bowl of jello (LOL). It was for a kids meal but i decided that was the lowest calorie option available without getting into too much trouble.
When i ordered it they were all like '.... You are not just eating *that*' I said that i MAY have lunch with the boyfriend (which did not occur ).

For dinner MOAR fattness. I was cooked a creamy chicken and leek pie, a fried potato and some salad.
I doubled the salad, ate half the potato and less than half of the pie. I HATE creamy stuff since i have irritable bowel syndrome im very sensitive to milky lactose products (used that as an excuse).

I wanted to purge it up but the boyfriend had his eye on me. So i decided it best not to.

My second cousin who i see maybe three times a year wants to take me and my sisters out on Saturday for lunch and a manicure. The last time i saw her i was really huge. Once i order a diet coke and a soup/salad i know she'll catch on. I could eat normally but i always feel guilty afterwards
So i don't know what to do. Anyone know of any un-suspicious low cal foods you buy at a restaurant or a cafe? Any ideas would be VERY appreciated. x!

I did alot of cleaning and walking today so according to calorieking my end result is 22 calories lol. That's with the exercise of course. Thanks to the 8 people following me :) Feel free to comment, human activity is ALWAYS appreciated 

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Feeling sick!

Urgh, i feel so so sick. My partners brother dared me to eat a small wedge of an onion (which i love) for $5 lolll, I did it and he REFUSED to give me the money because "we didn't shake on it." asshole! I was feeling fine, but then my partner gave me a piece of cheese and wouldnt let me give it back, it ws small so i ate it. I'm having a creamy soda vodka drink aswell. I feel so so so so sick. Like need to vomit. 
I told my partner this morning that i needed to be held accountable because i keep purging after biggish meals and i don't want to get addicted (which i think i am). Usually we can talk about anything but now he's annoyed at me.
Because im feeling sick now he's like 'You just want to vomit everytime you can! you want to become bulimic' im like 'LOL It's a disease you dickhead and i haven't eaten all day except for that slice of onion and slice of cheese, that's hardly bulimic! I want to vomit NOW not after dinner' so now i feel bad, but i really feel sick.

Last night we had healthier foods, i had a small slice of spinach quiche and some salad and maybe like 10 hot chips. BUT THEN! a toblerone mousse cake came out. I didn't want ANY of it, but all of a sudden a cake is forced into my hand and if i don't eat it it would be 'an insult' to the person that brought it. I ate half of the cake and quickly gave the other to my brother before he could say no.

I came home, purged the cake and the chips and some quiche but before i could finish my partner came in! I had to quickly flush the toilet and wipe down the basin. It was so oo close.

Anyone have any close calls?

Friday, December 3, 2010

Aching :(

My body is aching everywhere! I just helped my siblings move house, it's 3:00pm now and i've been helping since 8am. I don't mind so much, i know i must have burnt a shit ton of calories. I bought them all KFC for lunch, so i settled on eating a potato and gravy (lol) but 'N' my partner was all like 'LOL you are not just eating that for lunch biiiiitch' SO he made me get a side of chips (i shared more than half of my chips and potato gravy to everyone so i won anyway ^_^) 
We are going back over later to help assemble beds and such, AND we got invited to dinnner - AHHH it's probably something soo bad like fish and chips. I don't mind ordering just a flake but when i see all those greasy fried fatty potato chips, it's so hard to resist :( 
On another note  -
I've been counting my calories on calorieking for the past 2 weeks now and i realised every day my calories are below 500 and a lot of days it's even just below 200. I'm 54 kilos... how can i not be losing weight at a phenomenal speed? Any answers/ advice to speeed up the process would really help thank you! (obviously not eating such shit food would be number one >.< )


I thought i posted yesterday but it hasn't shown up, annoying.. 
Anyway, i started of well, before dinner i had had '-19' calories but then we had tacos for dinner and then i had something naughty!
I was helping my siblings pack up all their stuff (they are moving) and felt so tired after i had a caramel milkshake AND a McDonalds hamburger. It's times like those when i think i could NOT ever have an eating disorder. I don't even know if i had one, i guess it may be EDNOS? I haaaaaaate food but at the same time im addicted to it? Ehh. Not too sure.
Can anyone relate :(

Thursday, December 2, 2010

AHHHH it's after dinner.
Was sooo small so i feel not so bad after eating naughty food today.
Ate a small piece of tofu, three potato nugget things and some salad with sweet chilli sauce. 
Calorie total of 466 out of 1200.
Yay! Less than half, doing okay ^_^
It's 9:30 and i got some horror movies to watch when N and i go to bed. Hopefully it will keep my mind of food. It doesn't matter anyway, since we live in the bungalow and we don't store food in there it's too annoying to go into the house so it stops me from any late night binging or evening snacking. 
Anyone else have the late night binging problem?


Wednesday, December 1, 2010


It's thunderstorming REALLY loud here in Melbourne! It was so sunny an hour ago, the weather changes so dramatically here. 
I feel so so so guilty, i just ate a grilled chicken burger from Hungry Jacks. I can't avoid temptation! I'm so weak. 
My partner 'N' has just gone out to pick up his sister from school. There was only one umbrella, so i couldn't go with him YAY! It's too cold anyway. 
I don't know what's for dinner yet, i'll make sure i only eat something small, hopefully i can still make it under 500 cal.
Urgh i felt so awful this morning. I usually spend like 15 minutes deciding what to wear and then asking N what i should wear. He hates me being so indecisive (but loves it secretly). He told me to just wear a pair of black jeans and whatever else. 
N's mother went out and had left a lot of laundry and cleaning to do, i felt bad that we didn't go with her because she's scared of driving (she had a very close call the other week) so i did all the house work for her. It go so hot i had to change into a pair of tights and a singlet. (funny that it was so hot before now it's pouring rain and freezing cold).

Anyway will update later after dinner. Farewell :)


Urgh so it's almost the end of the day.
Didn't do too bad, held off all means of solids until dinner. 
Wednesday night. Worst NIGHT EVER! It's take away night in this household. On a number of occasions i've just asked to get a weightwatchers frozen meal - much healthier than what you can get down at the shops. When i do, i get this whole '' from EVERYONE! So now i just decide that will be my allocated naughty meal for the week.  I had a chicken schnitzel burger, it was SO huge, and i ate it all. Like some starving child that hasn't eaten for days (I WISH).
I purged it all up.
It took 40 minutes. Is that normal? I'm not bulimic, however, purging is becoming more and more frequent, like maybe once a week frequent? It used to be like, maybe one a month to two months. I prefer to restrict. 
I live in a bungalow so NO one can hear me purge (i hope!) so spending an entire hour in the bungalow - returning back into the house was weird. For someone reason everyone was like 'Where were you...? What were you doing? Are you alright?' i had to make up some lame excuse like i had some uhm constipation problems and lost track of time from reading a book. VERY LAME EXCUSE. I don't think (almost)motherinlaw let's call her 'V' brought it...
My boyfriend has just gotten back from TAFE (college) he's been there alllllllllll day, BUT he has finished his apprenticeship so he's feeling 'free'. 
He got chicken, chips and gravy for dinner. Since i purged all mine up watching him eat was making me hungry! So i stole like 8 chips from  him COVERED in gravy. :( We all have weak moments, lollll. 
There is a 'cherry and cheese strudel' in the oven. A piece is waiting there for me! I do NOT think so, it's like 500 calories for a piece IM SURE!
Anyway, that's all for now! 
Follow me and commentttt , please :)))

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Minor Binge!

So it's my 'time of the month' and i'm bloating and i had a minor binge last night. I never usually binge, ever! 
I wasn't even hungry last night but i decided i needed a slice of fairy bread, 6 barbecue Shapes - biscuits, AND 5 tablespoons of sweetened condensed milk and a plain biscuit.
My calorie intake for yesterday was only at 150 and now it's at 400. I suppose that's fine considering it's still under 500 calories WITH a binge, so i can't complain too much.
I use Calorieking to count my calories, sometimes i think that the calories CAN'T be that little because i get so full, maybe it's incorrect? It couldn't be though. However, it counts the total taking off what i exercised. I don't exercise much though.

It's 11:01am Wednesday morning. My partner's brother asked if i wanted a HOTDOG for breakfast and i said YES!? And i'm eating it, i'm not even hungry still! This period needs to end NOW! I'm never usually this stupid.

Will update later 

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Beginning

Well it's not really the beginning since i've been like this for quite some time now, however i've worked up the courage to write my own blog instead of just following others.

I just don't think my life is really that interesting enough to create a blog, i don't work or study (atm). 
Anyway, i live in Melbourne, Australia and we are on our summer holidays. 

To get this started, you may (or may not) want to know - I have no friends. I live with my boyfriend and his family and have been doing so for the last 15 months. 

I'm 18 years old.

I've had body issues for my entire life, but this has only escalated into an eating disordered lifestyle about two years ago.

I was always a skinny girl up until year 9, i was 45 kilos - without trying. Even back then i was ashamed of my body and thought i was too big. I hit puberty early, like 8 years old, and grew boobs and hips by the time i was 10. All the girls criticized me and told everyone i 'stuffed my bra' lol! 

In year 9 i became sexually active and needed birth control so i got the implant - 'implanon'. I gained sooo much weight right up 75 kilos. It wasn't for awhile after that i realised i was fat. I thought i was still sexy and there was nothing wrong with me. Until one day it just clicked, i was obese!

It began with wallowing in my own fatness, i ate a footlong from subway a day (because i thought that might help) and nothing else. I ate that for a month and my weight didn't budge. I started running at night time (the mean name calling wasn't too bad when no one could see you) i was only losing maybe a kilo a week - if that.

The process was too slow for me. I was complaining to one of my boyfriends friend's about the slow progress. He simply said 'Why don't you just.. not eat?' 

It sparked such an idea in my mind. At first i thought 'hahaha not eat, asif you NEED to eat to live' and it just grew and grew in my mind until i realised the idea didn't seem so crazy afterall!

I started counting calories, every day would go like this -
Breakfast - None
Lunch - Half a tin of tomato soup - 60 cal
Lunch - A piece of wheat bread  - 80 cal
Dinner - If it was a family dinner only picked out veggies and a few bites of protein
Snack - One rice cake with  low fat processed cheese slice - 80 cal

I ate that every day for about 3 weeks and lost 10 kilos.

I realised i didn't need to be fat, i could be perfect and skinny - it all went down hill from there.

Anyway, you have a little about me, hope you might want to follow my blog.

Bye for now.