Sunday, February 27, 2011

Hey guys!

I'm loving the treadmill ATM. I find it's fun to not have it on a particular program and listen to music and adjust the speed to the beat.
I was annoyed to find when I get to a run-jog somethin near my navel hurts. Last time I had that pain I had to get a cyst removed off my ovary. I hope it's not that again.

I am less stressed now as I've kind of realized which course I'd like to do and which path is like to take. Community services. Where you go to peoples houses and help them with practical things like food vouchers or contacting people on behalf of them or reporting child abuse etc.

It's going to be hard to talk to my grandparents about this as they are so old fashioned and believe I should just get any job and be on a stable income. They are my only parent role-models left so I don't want to dissapointed them. But like my counsellor said today "they were born in a different era and life isn't that way anymore." I suppose there are so many opportunities available so why not make te most of them
and be happy in what you do.

Hope everyone is going well xx

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I'm getting the treadmill today! So excited. It will barely fit in my room, but I don't care! 
Urgh it's shopping day today. Usually i love shopping  but grocery shopping for like 5 hours isn't what i call enjoyable. Then having bag it, put it in the car, drive home, take it all inside and put it away. (Gotta love ALDI) My mother in law does insane amounts of shopping for her 5 person family it's just too much. 

Oh well, sorry i don't post every day, I just don't find the time to get on the PC and i can't see everyones posts when i get on the IPhone, which is incredibly annoying. 

Weekend soon, woo!

Except my partner and i promised to take his 10 year old sister to the aquarium. It costs 65 in total just for 3 tickets. FML. That's not including parking and lunch. I'm thinking we might take the train. 

Hope you all have a lovely day and are doing fine!

Monday, February 21, 2011


I really prefer cross trainers over treadmills any day, BUT, my auntie is letting me borrow her treadmill as it's been an ornament in her house for some time now. I'm totally excited, i have almost no space in my room though. I WILL find some! I'm very excited as i've been so so slack with exercising since i got sick.

It really threw me off when i got sick a few weeks ago. I had been doing over an hour of cardio a day with zumba and other exercises and then i got too sick to do anything. I did Zumba a few days ago but not since then. I also got a Yoga DVD a day ago for only $3.99! I haven't done Yoga before but i heard it's very relaxing and can clear your mind.

A lot has been on my mind lately and have been sleeping terribly. As soon as i'm alone in my mind (like when i'm showering or before bed and BF has fallen alseep) my mind wakes up and starts going over all these images and thoughts that i don't want to see. I was sexually abused as a kid and these images won't go away. Since my dad died they have been so vivid and it's becoming a real problem.

I applied for sexual abuse counselling last week but there is a 12 week waiting list in my area. So, i'm not sure how i'm going to cope. I have general counselling every week with a male, he referred me for the other counselling as he feels as though he's not equipped in that area very well. Also, it's kinda weird talking about that more personal stuff with a male.

So on my analog scales i'm 50 kilos and on my digital i'm 52.  The digital ones are a lot older and the analog ones are brand new.  So i don't know who to trust. But anyway, i've been on a plateau for some time now. Any advice on how to get out of there!? It's annoying.

It's 12pm and all i've had is a 100cal pack of Milo Oats. Just found them, they are amaziiiiing! So i'm going well - for now.

Hope everyone is doing well.


Monday, February 14, 2011


Sorry to post so quickly after a previous post but, I'm layin in bed at 12:35 am and I can't sleep.
My bf and I have been watching ghost hunters. At first I was scared about weird noises and ghosts but I told myself that even if a mean ghost would come my dad would protect me. And now I'm sitting here, my warm tears rolling down my cheeks, thinking about where my dad actually is. Where do you go when you die? Do you go up into the sky, heaven? Do you go into the dirt, the soil. Are you apart of the plants and the trees and the lush green grass?
When I saw my dad after he died, it was so strange. I was staring into a coffin at my father, but I didn't 'see' him there. It was just a squashed amount of heavy mass. His soul, what brought his body to life wasn't there anymore. The way his eyebrows would go up when he made funny jokes and he would squint his eyes and he would smile and you could see his crooked tooth. It wasn't there. His eyes were dim slits of emptiness, his lungs no longer full of air, breathing in life.

He looked like a squashed mouse you buy to feed your pet snake. I touched his cheek, he skin was so cold, you could see the make up they'd uses to cover the bruising and the beating that had crushed in his skull.
Where was he? Where is his energy? I talk to him every night as though he's up in the sky watching me, but sometimes it feels as though I'm talking to nothing and it feels so pointless wishing to the ceiling for my daddy back. All the times I had nothing to do during the day, he'd MSG me and ask if I wanted to go for a driving lesson. Or i would ring him and ask to pik me up. And how Id always steal his beer from his fridge as soon as I'd come over.

I sound so retarded, I don't expect anyone to actually read all of this, I'm just talking to myself to get some of my feeligs out. Xx love you all
Hey guys!
Urgh I'm sorry I'm such a slow poster, I'm bad though, I know. I've recovered from my sickness, I still feel a little sick when I eat or smell foods. Hopefully not pregnant.

So I had counselling today, it was okay. I cried a little actually, which was unusual for me. I've been feeling a bit sad about my parents lately, mum in jail and having to deal with the consequences of her actions and my poor dad being dead and how he must of suffered before he died. It kills me inside thinking about that. Which is why I try no to think about it so often. I got referred to see another type of counsellor for the sexual abuse. So I have to fix some problems. I can't even watch movies with high level sex scenes in it or graphic scenes without havig a panic attack. I seriously have to leave the room, and I start crying. It's so annoying.

Thanks to all you lovelies for the nice comments on my blog. Love you all xx

Friday, February 4, 2011


So i'm currently at work feeling very out of it ( i took some very nice high strength pain killers courtesy of my boss). 

I've been so sick since about Tuesday this week. It all started with being all emotion and crying over really small things, then all of a sudden i had a pounding headache, my entire body was aching from head to toe, i got hot and cold flushes and felt completely miserable. 

I never really get sick so it was a pretty big thing for me. So i told myself if i still had it in the morning i'd take myself to the doctors. 
Well the exact moment i woke up, the headache was still there! I could barely even get out of bed i was that achy. So i waited for an hour at the doctors to be seen.

This middle eastern Dr calls out my name. I follow him into the room.
I graphically describe my symptoms and he has a quick look in my ears and barely a glance down my throat.

"You have a common viral infection it will be gone tomorrow, take some panadol.'


I almost started crying. You can't tell me i'm feeling so shitty and miserable right now and panadol is going to cure it!?

Panadol doesn't work for me at the best of times, i take 4 and it won't even begin to relieve my headache.

I said to him 'Well.. i think it's much worse than that' he said 'Okay' and i left.

My grandmother was waiting outside for me and i started crying as soon as i saw her.

I know it seems strange to cry over that, but i felt... stupid, like he didn't believe me or how i felt wasn't valid.

So every day for the last 4 days it's gotten progressively worse. First the glands became incredibly swollen (They are sticking out of my neck!) then for some reason my gums became really tender and sore, particularly around a certain front tooth. Then i got an ulcer on my gums underneath my tongue, now my teeth are sooooo sore. My tonsils are enlarged and now i can't eat or drink without a lot of pain..

I mean it's good i can't eat, but i feel so dehydrated and drinking water is so painful (because it's so heavy aswell)

So I went to go to another Dr's last night, but whatddya know.. the entire suburb is flooding and the Dr's surgery is out of power and 8 of their rooms are flooded out. Great, just great.
It was soo scary, my backyard flooded, the pond was overflowing into the garden and the goldfish were swimming amongst the flowers. 

Down the end of my street the water level was rising and got to waist deep. My little sister-in-law and her friends were boogey boarding down the street.

It was really scary actually..

ANYWAY i had to work yesterday and today. It was so difficult to work up enough willl power to get myself on a train at 7:00am in the morning then riding that for 40 minutes then catching another bus and walking up hill. Fml. 

My boss said 'Why didn't you tell me you were that sick you could have stayed home!'. But i was doing her  a favour coming in on a Sat and i didn't want to go against my word (also that's an extra 90 dollars in my pocket!)  
So she was kind enough to give me the good pain killers and i'm feeling a lot better (for now)