Wednesday, September 14, 2011


I had my sexual abuse/eating disorder counselling session today.
I talk about my eating and body issues, but there is no way i want to recover, especially now. I need the control for when i give birth and need to lose the weight again. 

I've had a problem for awhile now, where i can't watch movies or series with higher level sex scenes in them (which is almost everything) Like, californication, NipTuck, Hung, True Blood etc. Even when the series/movies aren't about sex and just ahve strong sex scenes, i seriously have a panic attack. I feel repulsed, dirty, ashamed, anxious, sick etc. I just want to cry and leave the room. It only happens when I watch things with my boyfriend (who is no way perverted or even..interested in watching them at all). 
My psychologist helped me realise why it's been happening and broke everything down with me.

My dad (in a way) sexually abused me, or abused our father -daughter relationship. He used to watch porn infront of me, and make these awful.. comments about women and what he'd want to do to them whenever something sexual would be on.

Because in a freudian way, i associate some things about my boyfriend - like my dad. (He provides for me, supports me, is there for me etc) I bring back the trauma and memories of when that used to happen, when my boyfriend and i watch movies with sex in them. 

It's such a relief to finally figure it out, i seriously felt guilty and thought it was something to do with my boyfriend, and i hated thinking that.

Anyway, just thought i'd share my retarded thought processes with you.


Also, i found out i'm having a baby girl !xx


  1. Aw a baby girl! That's so exciting. :)

    I don't want to recover either and I always feel bad for saying/thinking that when I probably shouldn't. Well I don't know whether I should or shouldn't. It just makes me feel guilty for telling somebody that when all they want is for you to get better.

    At least you got to the bottom of that issue with the psychologists help. I can imagine you are relieved about figuring it out.

  2. I know you can do this.
    All of it.
    <3 <3