Been awhile

I only feel worthy enough coming on here as i just did over an hour and a half of work out DVD's. Zumba (my fave) and i tried the Ministry of Sound  "Pump It Up" workout DVD's. They were alright, but it was really just full of sexy girls in g-strings flipping there hair around and pelvic thrusts (which you can't do when you're 24 weeks pregnant lmao). So i just did what i could do and i feel FANTASTIC!

I was really bummed this morning as my mother-in-law promised to take me to aqua-aerobics this morning, i got dressed and was ready and everything, and she rung me and told me she couldn't do it. WAS SO ANNOYED. I hate getting dressed up and then feeling like a fool when you have to change. I made the most of it and did the workout vids instead, which i am VERY glad i did.

My eating is more under control lately, i barely eat anything until dinner. BUT i have like an ice cream before bed (ahhh it's so hard not to give in), but at least i'm not eating anywhere near what i WAS eating.

I don't know my weight still, i've gained heaps i think. I can see my thighs touch again, it's so.. soul-crushing.

Tempted.

I'm so tempted to just.. cut. I'm feeling this overwhelming frustration, and anger. I don't know if it's my pregnancy hormones but i've felt so... off all day. When my partner and I are out, I never feel intimidated by other pretty girls. But i saw this really tiny possibly 45/47kg girl, she was gothic looking and tall. She had big wedges on, with a leopard print dress that clung to her tiny frame.
My confidence dropped completely when I saw her.
I thought my partner checked her out, and i mentioned it to him when we left. He told me i was stupid, she didn't see him and I was the only one for him.

Now i'm looking at pictures of pretty gothic clothing (with tiny, beautiful girls) and have just depressed myself.
Urgh.

21.2

I had my sexual abuse/eating disorder counselling session today.

I talk about my eating and body issues, but there is no way i want to recover, especially now. I need the control for when i give birth and need to lose the weight again. 

I've had a problem for awhile now, where i can't watch movies or series with higher level sex scenes in them (which is almost everything) Like, californication, NipTuck, Hung, True Blood etc. Even when the series/movies aren't about sex and just ahve strong sex scenes, i seriously have a panic attack. I feel repulsed, dirty, ashamed, anxious, sick etc. I just want to cry and leave the room. It only happens when I watch things with my boyfriend (who is no way perverted or even..interested in watching them at all). 

My psychologist helped me realise why it's been happening and broke everything down with me.

My dad (in a way) sexually abused me, or abused our father -daughter relationship. He used to watch porn infront of me, and make these awful.. comments about women and what he'd want to do to them whenever something sexual would be on.

Because in a freudian way, i associate some things about my boyfriend - like my dad. (He provides for me, supports me, is there for me etc) I bring back the trauma and memories of when that used to happen, when my boyfriend and i watch movies with sex in them. 

It's such a relief to finally figure it out, i seriously felt guilty and thought it was something to do with my boyfriend, and i hated thinking that.

Anyway, just thought i'd share my retarded thought processes with you.

:)

Also, i found out i'm having a baby girl !xx

21

So, as sick as I am I found a pregnancy weight calculator (harhar) which tells you how much weight you are supposed to gain week by week. It shows an an average, overaverage and underaverage. Since I'm a teen i'm supposed to gain more (don't understand why). Anyway, i'm secretly over the moon as i think i'm about 56-57kg (still disgusting) and i should really be 59-61kg. 

It's so disturbing how it makes me feel, so, joyous and proud, like i'm achieving something. On a few pregnancy forums i'm on everyones complaining "Oh shit i've already gained 12 kgs" or 'whoopsies, i've gained more then I should by the time i'm at the end of the pregnancy." 

It feels like a competition. 

I'm winning.

So far today i've eaten a FATTY mcfat - Spicy Chicken Wrap from Hungry Jacks - a whopping 472 calories. It's almost dinner time, and i'm eating salad, so :D Low calories for meee. Unless i give into cravings (so uncontrollable), then i'll just binge and mope in sadness.

Lately things in my life have been.. out of my control. The feeling of being powerless and not in control really triggers me to s/h. I'm way past that, but sometimes i am tempted to just.. bleed out the pain. 

Anyway, will post  about that another time.

xx

My pot belleh

One of the young mums I know, who has two kids and has another one due in November, introduced me to a website full of mums and expecting mums http://www.baby-gaga.com/ it's kind of strange. You make a profile and add pictures of your belly or your children. And there are tonnes of contests, either the best pregnant belly at whatever week, or cutest smile etc. This isn't meant to offend anyone that reads this that might be a member of the site, but, the impression you get from some of the mums is just.. sad. Like, that's all they do with their lives and they have nothing better to do. It's sad that some people really are in that situation where that's all they can do, it just seems obsessive that's all.


I haven't gained anymore so far, THANK GOD. 
I'll post you a picture of my nightmare belly.

56

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant now, and so far i've gained 4 kilos. Feeling very insecure and uncomfortable right now. I'm sick of my damn boyfriend wanting to eat McDonalds and Hungry Jacks, I've been so out of control i let myself eat what i want (which is way too much)! I disgust myself.
From now on, if i must gain weight, i want it to be necessary weight, not from fat, just from the baby (and the other pregnancy things), not just from me being a gigantic greedy pig.
Addicted to green Granny Smith apples at the moment. They are so delicious!

Gardening!

I used to hate it, now I find there is something serene about being in the garden in the sun, also great way to burn calories! I look completely stupid though, i wear a sombrero as my skin is so so white, I burn very easily, however, i still think i manged to burn  today though :/ I'm starting to nest (Around the fifth month of pregnancy, the "nesting" instinct can set in. This is an uncontrollable urge to clean one's house brought on by a desire to prepare a nest for the baby) So, i was at my mother in law's and started to clean her garden and sort out her pots as there were lots of nasty spiders living behind/inside them. Took a few hours, but i feel accomplished now. Too bad i didn't get the urge at my own house, might look a bit neater if i had V_V. I'm getting very creative atm with making my boyfriend's dinners, home made (super low cal - sneaky) chicken burgers the other night. Tonight I am making him chicken parma's (mine won't be so nasty though) and i'm adding salads with EVERY meal, with mushroom, capsicum, lettuce, olives, cucumber, pickles with a mixture of a tiny helping of low cal mayo and sweet chilli sauce. Delicious! At least it's making me eat a lot healthier.


I HATE CRAVINGS.


I felt so guilty, i made boyfriend (right after dinner) drive to McDonalds to get me a DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER AND A LARGE CARAMEL SUNDAE. I gobbled it right up. Because i'm a fat fat fatttttty. Gr. It's so hard to control the cravings for food, i need to find healthier options. Any suggestions please? All the weight i lost when i had morning sickness has come straight back on and i'm very pissed off. My belly is looking bigger than ever now, 18 weeks in two days. Blergh.


xx

2 years

It was my boys and my 2 year anniversary yesterday. Since we're so tight for money we decided to eat in instead. I spoiled him with things i wouldn't normally cook, with barbecue ribs (his fave) and homemade spiced potato wedges and a delish salad. Creme Brulee for dessert with choc dipped strawberries and champagne in a beautiful steamy spa bath.

He got me beautiful flowers and some cute underwear.
It was great :) xx

16 weeks.

I'm sixteen weeks pregnant, have a huge firm belly that looks like i've been drinking waaaay to much beer and i'm triggered.




First 3 months of being pregnant was bliss (in a fucked up way). I was so sick and tired and lacking of any energy I couldn't keep down any food and the thought of everything i loved made me dry reach.
I don't know how much i lost in that period, I hadn't weighed myself since I moved out (over like 4 months). But everyone started commenting, 'omg honey you look waaaay to skinny, like sickly, you have no thighs! (my problem area) are you eating? you look so sick" Of course i loved that. I didn't see it at all, but i did feel certainly.. lighter.

THEN, as soon as week 12 passed, i've been disregarding any sane thoughts and have been pigging out to the extreme. Hungry jacks, McDonalds, fat fat fatty foods! My appetite is outrageously out of hand and i need to eat every 20 minutes.

A week ago I saw myself in the mirror and definitely knew I had gained, i felt so guilty, so ashamed! I just thought 'That's it, i'm getting my fat ass into gear, It's time to restrict to the EXTREME!' I put it off until yesterday, i had my first ante-natal appointment. They weighed me.
52 kilos on the dot.
That's what i was before i was pregnant. WHICH MEANS, if i've gained weight, i have to have at least been in the 40's! You have no idea how triggering that thought is for me, it's like a drive! I feel like i was in an acceptable weight range for once in the last 5 years! I can do it, if i've been there already i can get there again! I can't, not yet anyway.

Only ... 20 something more weeks to go, pop the baby out, and FAST FAST FAST. I'll get back there again, i'll be a yummy mummy (lmao) I'll be one of those 19 year old mums that everyone sees and is jealous of how fast they lost their baby weight.

I'm actually excited for the challenge, i don't feel hopeless, funnily enough.
Just very very motivated and driven.


My sanity has kicked in though, no more shit food, it's time to hold myself responsible, i will not be like the average woman and gain like 15-20 kg during a pregnancy, I will only allow for a max of 11. 


Why let myself go and make it harder to lose the weight when i eventually give birth.


How is everyone? Miss you guys heaps! Sorry i haven't posted, been so... not in the right frame of mind.
xx

Pregnant.

I found out Sunday.
I hate food.
I morally could not terminate it, or give it up.
:(  I'm keeping it.

I feel like, a drop-kick 19 year old who managed to get herself pregnant.
People are going to judge me. Lame.

Bright

I'm feeling extremely supurb! It's 12:00pm and this is my 3rd day of eating nothing. On Sunday night i felt extremely bloated and disgusting i told myself then and there i was fasting for minimum 3 days.  I've been doing Zumba each day AND i have a new work out video which is so fabulous! Kickboxing for dummies. Apparently doing the work out you can burn up to 700 calories. I broke a river of sweat last night while I did that.

ATM i'm babysitting my siblings for an entire week while my grandparents are overseas. It's great, i give myself the smallest of portions and then when no one is looking i throw the food onto my sisters plate (she knows i'm on a fast).

I just went for a job interview at Bakers Delight (lol) I think i did reasonably well and i have a trial on Monday.
Life is good right now. :)

Hope all you ladies are doing well too

xx

I hate Sundays!

Sundays remind me of when i used to go to school, i'd get this feeling of dread and felt sick.

Fortunately, I don't have school tomorrow, but i have no work either :( Which is really beginning to make me depressed.
Over the last few days i've been noticing my stomach has been .. getting bigger. I'm late for my period but you can't be 'showing' within a month. So the final outcome is IM A FAT BUSHPIG :(

So i just got my Zumba back and am trying out Jillian Michael's 30 day shred.

Urgh i really really want to love sushi. It's so good for you and i just can't eat it. So i got some veggie ones and am forcing myself to eat it.

So i wake up in the morning..

and run down to 7/11 and get some sugar free Red Bulls!
My sister stayed over last night and wanted pizza, so we shared a veggie one. She offered me some this morning. It was SO hard to say no. I love pizza. I just waited till i got some energy drinks!
I've dropped her off to school and am just bummin around sipping my drinks while my hands are about to fall off  from the cooold!

I made the best purchase last week, I invested in a pair of gorgeous panda mittens! They are the best for these cold icy mornings. Especially when i'm driving places! I feel as though i can't steer properly and my fingers will snap :/

So it's Friday (lol reminded of that Rebecca Black song.. ew) and my man get's an early finish today! His in carpentry and his boss is going away for the weekend, so they started earlier at like 6 and he finishes at 11:30, WOO! Cept i have counselling at 12:00pm, and i CBF! It's just annoying, I usually have it on Monday's but i had no petrol and had to postpone until today. Waaahhh.

OBTW Check out my Tumblr! It's not a weight loss one, but i might make one soon. It's more just a collection of photo's i particularly like.
http://smallasapanda.tumblr.com/ 


Have a lovely day ladies <3
xxx

Not to mimic one of the best blogs ever (Zette) but i just found this photo, chunky legs on the left and tiny on the right.

x

Back,, again!

I'M BACK!

I haven't posted for a very very long time. Finally, I have time and room to myself. I moved out with my bf to this beautiful farm just 5 minutes from the CBD of my suburb. (It's not rural at all though).


It's fantastic, apart from the price of petrol...


I can completely dictate what i want to eat (most of the time! :@), as my bf still demands i eat dinner. I give him bigger bowls or bigger plates and give myself smaller dishes with smaller servings or just stacked with healthier things. 


I didn't bring my scales with me, however, I don't think i've lost any weight yet. I want to get down to 45 so badly. Hopefully i haven't gained either!


Only problem in my life right now is finding a job. I can't get one, ANYWHERE! I apply for like 30 different jobs a week without being picky and no one is willing to hire me. I have some modest experience but :( no one cares!


I hope everyone is doing really well :)
I missed you all!

It's 10pm and I'm sitting in bed wearing my panda pj's with my tears streaming down my face, sobbing.

It's my 19th birthday tomorrow, nothing special. The two people in the entire world that would subconciously know it will be my birthday and would never miss it aren't here. My poor daddy is up in heaven and I can't hear him wishing me a million happy birthdays, and my mother is in jail for his death probably looking up at the stars wishig me happy birthday and regrettig everything she has done.

Addicted

Thanks for everyones motivating comments!
It's inspired me to take a new perspective on everything.

So I have a bottle of water with me at all times! As soon as I get hungry I just chug that down. I had been stealing a few drags of my bfs smokes everytime I was hungry but after the last week that's been kinda addicting. So, trying to replace that before it gets out of my control.


Does anyone smoke? What are the pros and cons?

Intake so far:

1 slice of toast 80 cal
a shittonne of water!


Let's hope it stays that way for awhile.

Xxx

FAT!

Could someone do me a gigantic favour and tell me to stop EATING!? I'm sick of it, i can't control myself. I'm so revolted and disgusted.

Fried food = biggest weakness. 

It's the worst for you, I need to implement a process in which i do before i decide to gobble up everything in a 5 yard radius.

Maybe I have to count to 10 and drink half a liter of water and have 3 drags of a cigarette?

I don't know.

Help me. 

I want to be so tiny i could float away...

haaai!

Back! Again.


I feel as though as soon as I feel i'm motivated to start posting more frequently i disappear back into my (fat) shadows. 
I have been doing extremely ordinary. Which of course, isn't good enough. I've been eating like a ravenous starved bear that has just come out of hibernation, (minus the starved part and add chubbiness). 


I feel as though i've been swallowed into a pit of quicksand and only the top of my head is visible. No will to get out, just to sink further into it's depths. 
I haven't gained any weight, so i can't complain, but it's been like a month or so since i've lost anything. I've tried all sorts of things. 
- Eating under 500 cal
- Eating over 500 cal
- Exercising
- No exercising
- Stuffing my face like theres no tomorrow
- Fasting like a cool cat


NOTHING has worked.


Everything feels so pointless. Hmph. 


I was so glad i passed my hazards a week or so ago, but my final driving test is in two weeks from today. Scared, nervous? Yes i am. Shit scared. 
Obtaining my license is like a pass for freedom. I can drive where i want, when i want. I can conveniently drive away when meal times lurk. Hrm. 


My bf and I are thinking of moving out. My grandparents own a place only about 15 minutes from where i'm living currently.
It's vacant, it's roomy, it's private - it's perfect. 
We don't have to pay board, just help around the property (it's 18 acres). Which is totally easy as any excuse to wander around a gigantic property and lose some cellulite is FINE by me.
Also i'll be making my own veggie patch! Totally looking forward to that! I've never really gardened before, but i really need more hobbies.


ANYWAY so that'll be fantastic. Only 1 catch! :(


We need to tell his parents.
His mum is like.... very fond of me, and of course her son. So I don't want her to feel as though i'm taking him away or splitting apart her family. This is something BOTH of us want to do, completely mutually. 
She's so attached to both of us, we drive her everywhere, she won't do the shopping without us. 
So this is a really big problem.


She was also diagnosed with depression recently, so I know she's going to play that card and try to make us feel guilty.
I just feel as though i have no space here, there is no room for me to just lounge on the couch or even any space for me to pick up a hobby. 
ALSO, i will be able to make my OWN meals if i moved out. Which I desperately need to do.


Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Or what did you say to your parents when you first moved out?


xx Miss you all !

It's almost been a month since my last post, i feel awful! I never get the computer anymore, so that really doesn't help. I've almost got my license, April 13th and i'm booked in. Fingers crossed. I sat my hazard perception test today, passed, 80% which is just okay.

Been busy busy busy, looking for courses, dealing with money issues and just general stuff. Of course food.

I refused point blank to eat dinner last night, pork chops chips and a salad. I'm sick of it. That entire meal would be as nutritious as a leather boot.

Disgusting.

How are you all going?x

Hey guys!

I'm loving the treadmill ATM. I find it's fun to not have it on a particular program and listen to music and adjust the speed to the beat.
I was annoyed to find when I get to a run-jog somethin near my navel hurts. Last time I had that pain I had to get a cyst removed off my ovary. I hope it's not that again.

I am less stressed now as I've kind of realized which course I'd like to do and which path is like to take. Community services. Where you go to peoples houses and help them with practical things like food vouchers or contacting people on behalf of them or reporting child abuse etc.

It's going to be hard to talk to my grandparents about this as they are so old fashioned and believe I should just get any job and be on a stable income. They are my only parent role-models left so I don't want to dissapointed them. But like my counsellor said today "they were born in a different era and life isn't that way anymore." I suppose there are so many opportunities available so why not make te most of them
and be happy in what you do.


Hope everyone is going well xx