Tempted.

I'm so tempted to just.. cut. I'm feeling this overwhelming frustration, and anger. I don't know if it's my pregnancy hormones but i've felt so... off all day. When my partner and I are out, I never feel intimidated by other pretty girls. But i saw this really tiny possibly 45/47kg girl, she was gothic looking and tall. She had big wedges on, with a leopard print dress that clung to her tiny frame.
My confidence dropped completely when I saw her.
I thought my partner checked her out, and i mentioned it to him when we left. He told me i was stupid, she didn't see him and I was the only one for him.

Now i'm looking at pictures of pretty gothic clothing (with tiny, beautiful girls) and have just depressed myself.
Urgh.

21.2

I had my sexual abuse/eating disorder counselling session today.

I talk about my eating and body issues, but there is no way i want to recover, especially now. I need the control for when i give birth and need to lose the weight again. 

I've had a problem for awhile now, where i can't watch movies or series with higher level sex scenes in them (which is almost everything) Like, californication, NipTuck, Hung, True Blood etc. Even when the series/movies aren't about sex and just ahve strong sex scenes, i seriously have a panic attack. I feel repulsed, dirty, ashamed, anxious, sick etc. I just want to cry and leave the room. It only happens when I watch things with my boyfriend (who is no way perverted or even..interested in watching them at all). 

My psychologist helped me realise why it's been happening and broke everything down with me.

My dad (in a way) sexually abused me, or abused our father -daughter relationship. He used to watch porn infront of me, and make these awful.. comments about women and what he'd want to do to them whenever something sexual would be on.

Because in a freudian way, i associate some things about my boyfriend - like my dad. (He provides for me, supports me, is there for me etc) I bring back the trauma and memories of when that used to happen, when my boyfriend and i watch movies with sex in them. 

It's such a relief to finally figure it out, i seriously felt guilty and thought it was something to do with my boyfriend, and i hated thinking that.

Anyway, just thought i'd share my retarded thought processes with you.

:)

Also, i found out i'm having a baby girl !xx

21

So, as sick as I am I found a pregnancy weight calculator (harhar) which tells you how much weight you are supposed to gain week by week. It shows an an average, overaverage and underaverage. Since I'm a teen i'm supposed to gain more (don't understand why). Anyway, i'm secretly over the moon as i think i'm about 56-57kg (still disgusting) and i should really be 59-61kg. 

It's so disturbing how it makes me feel, so, joyous and proud, like i'm achieving something. On a few pregnancy forums i'm on everyones complaining "Oh shit i've already gained 12 kgs" or 'whoopsies, i've gained more then I should by the time i'm at the end of the pregnancy." 

It feels like a competition. 

I'm winning.

So far today i've eaten a FATTY mcfat - Spicy Chicken Wrap from Hungry Jacks - a whopping 472 calories. It's almost dinner time, and i'm eating salad, so :D Low calories for meee. Unless i give into cravings (so uncontrollable), then i'll just binge and mope in sadness.

Lately things in my life have been.. out of my control. The feeling of being powerless and not in control really triggers me to s/h. I'm way past that, but sometimes i am tempted to just.. bleed out the pain. 

Anyway, will post  about that another time.

xx

My pot belleh

One of the young mums I know, who has two kids and has another one due in November, introduced me to a website full of mums and expecting mums http://www.baby-gaga.com/ it's kind of strange. You make a profile and add pictures of your belly or your children. And there are tonnes of contests, either the best pregnant belly at whatever week, or cutest smile etc. This isn't meant to offend anyone that reads this that might be a member of the site, but, the impression you get from some of the mums is just.. sad. Like, that's all they do with their lives and they have nothing better to do. It's sad that some people really are in that situation where that's all they can do, it just seems obsessive that's all.


I haven't gained anymore so far, THANK GOD. 
I'll post you a picture of my nightmare belly.

56

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant now, and so far i've gained 4 kilos. Feeling very insecure and uncomfortable right now. I'm sick of my damn boyfriend wanting to eat McDonalds and Hungry Jacks, I've been so out of control i let myself eat what i want (which is way too much)! I disgust myself.
From now on, if i must gain weight, i want it to be necessary weight, not from fat, just from the baby (and the other pregnancy things), not just from me being a gigantic greedy pig.
Addicted to green Granny Smith apples at the moment. They are so delicious!